I'm so glad you liked the house.
Hey, so a few things. One, all the appliances are included.
Two, the previous residents were murdered there.
And three, it just passed mold inspection.
So which would...
Uh-huh.
I get it. We'll just keep looking.
Although, it does give the house character.
If those walls could talk...
I agree. It's not funny. Bye-bye.
It's okay, honey. You're gonna sell that murder house.
Thanks.
"Ahh, Get this blood off me!"
What? Of who?
"The Walls"? You mean Barb and Fat Wall?
Are they in trouble?
- Morning. - Oh.
Would you like some coffee?
God, no. I've been up all night. I gotta get to bed.
Hey, can you guys not use, like,
the blender or vacuum or anything?
I just need five hours.
So, I guess we stopped looking for a new job?
Actually, we have.
Your daughter has gone into business for herself.
Great! What kind of business?
I put a group of girls together
and we promote clubs and stuff via social media.
That doesn't sound like a real job.
Your last job barely sounded like a real job.
We made 500 dollars last night for promoting a hookah bar.
Remember when you were a little girl?
You told me you wanted your job to be princess.
I would kill for those days.
"Is that why you're dressed like a hookah?"
Honey, you're not making sense again. Do you need to lie down?
Mom, I knew you would be like this.
Dad, you understand what I'm doing, right?
Of course. Power of social media. I'm on Team Gets-it.
Can you guys just give me a chance
to get this thing off the ground?
Yes. We can. I always keep an open mind.
Fine. You take this one. My plate's full.
I've got a meeting at school today
to discuss Luke's college options.
Should be a short meeting.
Yes. Dwight. That's the way you read
the reverse. Gentlemen, circle up.
We are 3 and 0.
But if we are gonna go all the way,
we all need to be as mentally,
as physically tough as Dwight.
Coach. Yes?
You know my dad's in the service? Uh-huh.
He's being restationed to Florida.
What? Today's my last day.
Okay, uh... Everybody get some water.
Coach, you okay?
Welcome. Welcome.
Hello. Shall we start?
Shouldn't we wait for Luke's guidance counselor?
Mrs. Marks is going through a terrible divorce.
She's very fragile right now.
So I'm trying to keep the more challenging cases away from her.
None taken.
I have been perusing your transcript.
And, apropos of nothing, you know,
not every kid is destined for college.
But Luke is. Right?
Okay. I'll play along.
The reality is that Luke's grades and test scores
are what we educators call "sub optimal."
Is that good?
See what I'm talking about?
So, we're gonna have to really juice the extra-curriculars. Okay?
Is there anything he's passionate about?
I love chicken pot pie.
Remember when I said I would do most of the talking?
Principal Brown. Leslie Kwan Collins from the Daily Dolphin.
Yeah, I know who you are, Leslie.
Must we do this dance every single time?
Would you like to issue a statement
about Eric Thompson's abrupt resignation
as student council president?
Sure, here's my statement.
My sources say that he was caught
selling school saxophones on Craigslist.
Well, I guess you could say you had a "sax scandal" then?
"Sax scandal." I'm running with that.
Oh, thanks a lot for that. Very helpful.
So where did we land?
We're putting Luke on Adderall or taking him off? I forget.
We weren't discussing Adderall.
Although, Adderall has helped a lot of kids.
Hey, we need a new president. Why don't I just do that?
Maybe it will be cool?
I do like bossing people around.
That's called leadership.
Wow, look at you.
I think I'm maturing.
Luke, this is a lot of work. Are you sure you are up for it?
Mom, it's all I ever wanted ever since I heard about it a minute ago.
Yeah. Well, I think you should go for it.
I can't think of a single reason why not.
All right, girls, so I have a couple notes about last night.
Arizona, I was looking at your selfies.
Are your parents mallards?
What? What's with all the duck face?
You look like you're at a bachelorette party in Tampa.
And, Katen, did I see you drinking water at the Red Room?
I had to wake up early in the morning.
Oh, yes, because that's what we are promoting.
A club where people make good decisions.
I'm sorry.
You are so weak.
I can't believe I let you kiss me in front of the Lakers.
Not to sound like a total Katen,
but Haley's new job seems whack.
If Haley wants to work in promotion, she should learn from my guy.
Mr. Merv Schechter.
Among his brilliant innovations,
the indoor blimp that drops coupons at basketball games.
Sadly, it was later weaponized by several terrorist organizations.
Hey, Jay, do you need to julienne any vegetables?
What? If so, you can use the knife
your grandson jammed in my back.
Well, that was worth the journey.
What happened, Papi?
Luke decided to run against me for student council president.
I've devoted my entire life to public service
only to be challenged by a guy who's devoted his entire life
to watching skateboard fails on YouTube.
Luke's running for president?
I mean I love him... Jay is right. Luke is a dummy.
Never said that. He wants a fight?
He's got one.
I'm gonna hit my step-nephew with so many stinging rejoinders,
that he will be crying step-uncle.
Yes.
Dynamic word play. High school kids love that.
He's gonna lose. He might not.
Really? You wanna roll those dice?
Remember how depressed he got when he lost the last election?
Hi, Daddy.
There she is. Our little girl.
Mitchell, do you remember, back before we had her, how we were?
So worried that an extra person would make the house feel crowded.
Uh...
No, I don't remember that at all.
Oh, boy, were we wrong. You didn't want me?
This isn't about you, honey. I think
daddy's ramping up to something.
Any who, there is a football player on the team
who needs a place to stay until the end of football...
No.
Would you let me finish? Okay, fine. Go ahead.
Season. No.
He can't stay here. Cam, we don't have the room.
He can sleep in the den.
I love the den. I watch TV in the den.
Besides, where you gonna sleep tonight after this fight?
He can sleep in the apartment upstairs.
No, we need the rent to pay the mortgage.
I'm sorry, Cam. It's not gonna happen.
Coach, can I come in yet?
See, now you've put me in an awkward position.
Why can't he stay with someone else?
Because I'm his football coach.
And his father trusts me.
Why you always...
Hey. Hey.
Hi. Hey.
Why do you always insist on making these big decisions
without discussing with me first?
I do not.
You asked the couple we met at the car rental to vacation with us.
It would have been rude not to.
It was our honeymoon.
Sorry, your door knob came off.
It sure did, big guy. Again?
That's fine. I'm already hating this.
I don't wanna be critical...
You gotta be kidding me.
This is not one of your more lovable traits.
What isn't?
Always saying no to things and then eventually coming around?
Why can't we just skip to the good part?
I think you'd have a different attitude about this
if I was the one constantly making unilateral decisions.
If it was something important to you, I would support it.
Are you sure about that? 100%.
And once you know Dwight the way I...
I do, you will find that he will enrich...
Okay. Dwight, please stop moving.
Hola, Luke.
Hey, guys. What are you doing... In my room?
Just wanted to see my favorite grandson.
You guys been drinking? No more than usual.
I heard a rumor that you're running for student council president.
Yup, I'm working on my speech right now.
Good. I know I wouldn't want any part in that nonsense.
Me neither. Not very sexy.
Take so much time
and then you wouldn't even have a chance to ride your minibike.
I don't have a minibike. Yet.
But if you play ball...
Hey, Luke, I need you to take the...
What are you guys doing in here?
They're trying to bribe me not to run for president.
What?
Manny have been working all his life to be president.
And now, Luke just salsas in
and tries to take it away from him. It's not fair.
Look, this means a lot to Luke too.
It's given him a whole new sense of purpose.
I've heard enough and I've made my decision.
Manny will be president this term
and we will run Luke next year.
I'm graduating.
That's the spirit.
I don't like to play this card but
I am the patriarch. And I have spoken.
Not much of a card, Dad, 'cause I don't really care.
How about the two of you get going,
'cause Luke has a speech to work on.
You wanna go up against the Pritchett Political Machine? So be it.
Bye, Grandpa. Bye, kiddo.
All right, Luke. We need to talk.
Grandpa is coming for you,
and he has run successful political campaigns before.
He got Mitchell elected class president
before it was cool to be gay.
I've got this, Mom. I'm running on a gun platform.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about my guns.
Ugh. All right. Let's look at the speech.
I think it's pretty good. Mmm-hmm.
I'm opening with a joke about how Principal Brown's kids
look like the mailman. Mmm-hmm.
And select all, delete.
Hey.
I gotta be me. No, you gotta be less you.
If you want this, you gotta out-Manny Manny.
Ooh, where is that suit I got you for Alex's graduation?
That was a year ago. I can't fit into that anymore.
Because of...
I know. I got it.
This was full. Sorry.
You're just gonna be disappointed.
Good morning, everyone.
If you're hungry, I hid some cookies behind the toaster.
Found 'em.
Oh.
I was thinking about what you said yesterday and you were right.
We should be able to make our own decisions.
You know?
All I can say is, thank you again.
Dane Edna, now say hi to your foster daddies.
Ronaldo, what's going on?
We're taking care of Dane Edna
while Ronaldo takes Pepper to Asia for a medical procedure.
Is everything okay? Oh, don't worry.
Between us,
he's getting a monkey chin in Laos.
Oh, so it's a fun month for everyone, huh?
Mm. I'm going to miss this beautiful diva.
Her tummy can get a little fussy,
so if you are ever wondering what to cook for her,
just ask yourself
"What would Patti LuPone eat?"
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't ask you about this,
but it's really important to me,
and you said you'd support any decision I made.
I'm not sure what you are doing
because you're being so subtle,
but if you think a giant slobbery dog is what this household needs,
then color me "gung-ho."
Here are her medicines.
The ones wrapped in foil don't go in the mouth.
Okay.
Ah.
I am so sorry.
We've trained her to take carbs away from us.
I don't get it.
You look amazing. I love it.
Why did you buy this for me?
Because I thought you would look great up there
when you give your big speech.
I'm running for president, Mom. I'll wear a suit and tie.
Well, then you will be dressed for your funeral.
Kid, you gotta know your audience.
You don't think I can relate to my peers?
Well, this is a fine kettle of fish.
I'm gonna say this as gently as I know how.
You're going to lose.
I wasn't gonna yell it, but at least it's out there.
Wait, you think I'm going to lose?
But you never think I'm going to lose.
Look, you're a great kid. All we are saying is,
be a little more casual Friday, a little less Ash Wednesday.
Yeah, go up there and be like, "Yo, what's up ballers?"
"Monday suck like pizza and whatever."
This is feeling a little weird.
Trust us?
If you really think it will help.
Hey, write that pizza pie thing down while it's fresh.
I hope you don't mind, I decided it was fine
to play fetch in the house.
No, I support that decision.
Well, I look forward to what's about to happen.
There we go. All right.
Okay, coach. I'll meet you at the game.
Who's a winner? I'm a winner.
Hey.
Okay, I'm gonna go first.
I was petty and vindictive
and I will find someone else to look after the dog.
Do you have anything to say?
Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy.
Cam, I swear to God...
Okay, you're right. I should have consulted you first.
I'll tell Dwight that he has to
move out after the game tonight.
Not that anybody cares, but for lunch, I had a lozenge.
So how long is this going to take?
I just need to reorder some promotional Frisbees.
And say a quick hi to Merv, the genius,
who supplied me with coasters and key chains for over a decade.
He even put my face on a pillow.
That story makes me want to put a pillow over my face.
Can we just get this over with? I have a spray tan at 4:00.
Spray tan. Who needs a spray tan? Someone in winter.
That's why you put a coupon on an ice scraper.
Boom. Just sent another grandkid to Brandeis.
He shoots, he scores.
Can you believe this young man has a grand kid in college?
Mm. It's all about lifestyle. Really.
I walk five miles a day
and I've had a tremendous amount of plastic surgery.
Oh, I had a brainstorm on that property of yours
that you are trying to unload,
you know, where the people...
You lean into it. Hmm?
You call it "Massacre Manor,"
"Downton Stabby,"
"Charles mansion."
I mean, I got a million of them.
Actually, probably, I have three more.
See, a master.
Merv, meet my daughter Haley.
Nice to meet you. Your daddy tells me
that you have come down with the Madison Avenue Flu.
I don't understand anything that's happening here.
I feel the same way when I watch Empire.
Oh, no, you don't.
Some mangy cat keeps sitting on the roof of my new Rolls.
Merv collects cars.
Not to brag, but I can do a production of 12 Angry Men starring cars.
No, you don't, Taffy.
What is he talking about? What's Madison Avenue Flu?
Oh, I may have mentioned that you had a budding interest
in the promotional arts, and total stroke of luck,
Merv's assistant is very, very sick.
Wait a minute, you think my business is in the same universe
as Carl's Auto Body toilet seat covers?
Carl just opened a third location because of that wizard.
You got two lives left, Taffy. Is this how you wanna spend them?
I don't need a job. I have one.
What happened to Team Gets-it?
Well, I don't gets-it.
Just seems like you're hanging out at clubs,
taking pictures with a bunch of party girls.
I wanna be hip, but none of this makes any sense to me.
I just want what's best for you.
Nice pep talk. Oh, and thanks for underestimating me.
You know, if you were Orville Redenbacher's dad,
we wouldn't have airplanes.
Gotcha.
I guess they don't always land on their feet.
And the pass. It's picked up by Dwight...
Touchdown!
Wow, that Dwight's something, huh?
Yeah, well, he's fine. You know.
It's a team sport. They probably wouldn't even miss him.
I just wanna say, I love what you are doing.
Thank you. I wear these sweater with these trousers a lot.
When you are high-waisted, it is very difficult
finding pieces that work together, so...
Yeah, you look really nice, but what she means is,
it's great that you are letting Dwight live with you.
You're taking Dwight in? That doesn't sound like you.
He's making him move out.
That sounds like you.
Hey, losers, thought I'd see you down at the concession stand.
How long were you working on that one?
Is that one of the gems that you wrote into Luke's speech?
I will have you know that Luke wrote his own speech.
He contributed.
He was there. Hmm.
Hey. Hey.
What's with the suit? Me?
Why are you dressed like Nicki Minaj?
My mom and Jay said it made me more relatable.
I feel like an idiot.
Yeah, me too.
My mom forced me to wear this so I'd be more like you.
Yeah, because I'd wear a brown belt with black shoes?
You know what we should do? Throw out our speeches
and speak from the heart.
That's a great idea.
You forgot your speech, didn't you?
I plead the Second.
Also, you should know,
they arrested two of the three perpetrators.
Hey, honey. What are you doing here?
Making a point. Oh.
Hey, uh, I'm Phil Dunphy.
Feel free to ask any questions. Sweet neck tattoo.
Don't forget to sign the guest book.
Aren't these your work friends?
Yeah, hold on a second. Hey, Arizona.
Quack quack. Sorry.
I know you don't think what I'm doing is real,
but we just posted about this terrible house
through all our accounts on multiple platforms,
and there is already a ton of people here,
so, uh, you're welcome.
We don't really need all this stuff, but okay.
All right everybody, before our marching band takes the field
with their tribute to the films of Zac Efron,
let's hear it from our two candidates for student council president.
First up is Manny Delgado.
Actually, we are going to speak together.
Luke and I are here because we each want your votes.
However, certain people want to change us
into being something each of us is not.
They're publicly shaming us.
We deserve it.
The important thing is you two learned something.
Save it, patriarch.
The point is,
we are two individuals with our own
unique personalities and ideas.
What he said.
I won.
It was the lowest voter turnout in school history.
They hated the both of us.
But you more.
I gotta admit, I'm really impressed
that you got all these people here,
but they don't really look like house buyers.
Dad, you have no idea who has money anymore.
You see that girl?
She makes six figures playing video games.
And that dude, he invented an app for trashing your friends
called App Smear. Oh.
Anyone of these people could buy this house, and if they do,
you give us a percentage of your commission.
That's how we make money.
You the realtor?
Indeed I am.
I like this place.
Show me where it happened.
Um, it's right down the hall.
After you.
Her dad's loaded.
By the way, have you seen the price?
The owner wasn't the only thing that's been slashed.
And the Dolphins win. 21-20.
Stick around for your Dolphin Fan.
Dwight's playing is like a professional.
It's amazing how one kid can carry a whole team.
It's like you are doing this on purpose.
Excuse me, Mr. Pritchett. Leslie Kwan Collins. Daily Dolphin.
For heroically taking in Dwight,
you are this month's Person with a Porpoise.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Embrace it.
Good game.
Thanks, Coach.
Listen, I got something rough I need to tell ya.
No, I know you and Mitchell aren't just roommates.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate
everything you are doing for me.
Listen, I don't know how I'm gonna tell you this.
So I'm not gonna.
I just need you to do everything I tell you.
Put your head on my shoulder.
Get in there. Now.
I need you to pretend to start crying.
Really get those shoulders into it.
That's good.
Oh, God, he's telling him.
Stay strong. Yes.
Now I'm gonna cry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Okay. Final step.
I need you to sit down, grab your knees,
and start rocking sadly. All right?
Excuse me, can I have everyone's attention please?
As you know, uh, Dwight's father
was recently restationed to Florida
and it was my intention to have my family
have Dwight live with us, but, unfortunately...
But, unfortunately, for our opponents,
he's gonna be with us all season 'cause the rumors are true.
Dwight is going to be staying with us.
That is the most beautiful gesture ever.
Thanks. I guess I do always come around, huh?
Dwight, you're staying. What's going on?
I don't know. Coach just told me
to sit on the ground and look sad.
Cam?
Let's hear it for this month's Person with a Porpoise,
Mitchell Pritchett.
How did you know about that? Did that reporter go...
We are having a serious conversation when I get home.
But I'm loving this.
So, Phil, what can I do you for?
Well, oh, wise one,
Luke here is president of the student council,
but he needs some professional help.
I have a likability issue.
Yeah, I saw that when you came in.
What we need to do
is promote you. Okay?
I see a pin, "I like Luke."
I see a bracelet, "Luke is no fluke."
I see a stadium cushion,
"Luke has your back... side."
How do you do that?
How about phone cases?
Phone cases? I am so sorry.
Sweetheart, this is why people don't like you.